Dear Burglar, formerly Happy,
Can I call you Formerly Happy? I won't if it makes you cry! Just tell me.
Anyway, back to me. I was unhappy that I only managed to read you and clap the other night, so I returned like a thief.
I had to do some severe highlighting and leave a comment in the style of the other guy who breaks into homes at night (I'm sure you know him, even though he goes by the name of Santa).
Also, I couldn't close my eyes the other night. I kept thinking that you might decide to break into my home since, you know, I have so many philosophy books.
I kept thinking and running through my head the posts I've recently made on Instagram.
Did my bookshelf accidentally show up in any of those pictures?
How about my very old, nearly deaf, pretty, and pretty blind dog?
(I've been reading you for long enough to know that these two alone are subtle signs that would invite you in.)
What else have I posted in there? Am I a target?
All these have made me realize I'm sharing too much of my personal life on social media, which has to change right away.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is this:
Thank you, Formerly Happy Burglar.
You've made me more conscious of my promiscuous online behavior. I hope that makes you even just a little happy.
P.S. I know I might come across as nosy since I've read a personal letter from you to the C.E.O. of Get Out, but I couldn't help myself.
Plus, you posted it on social media.
That, for someone who's doing a business out of the vulnerabilities people share online, it's not a very smart move.
I get it, though. You were unhappy.
We all tend to do terrible things while searching for the highest good, happiness.
Still, try to pay a little more attention, will ya?
Soon enough, people worldwide will stop sending you clues via Instagram.
And I can only assume this will make you even less happy.
P.P.S. I think you should get into breaking into older people's homes too.
I don't think you know how profitable this niche is.
I know, I know, books are all they have left. But...
1) They are also in so much need of company. If you're getting rusty and get caught, they might greet you with cookies and tea rather than with an empty pan.
2) If they have a dog, the chances are that it's harmless, just as old as their owner.
3) The whole adventure will undoubtedly give you fewer scares, which can only do good to your heart since you too are getting older. (There's only so much a burglar's heart can take.)
4) They are better informers than Instagram could ever be. They won't just treat you well and make you happy, but also provide you with valuable tips on whom to rob next in their neighborhood. Can you see how this will give your business a kick in the shins?
P.P.P.S. Don't be sad for turning into an Unhappy Burgler. Times are changing. We have to change with them.
Here, I'll leave you with another quote from the same Friedrich Nietzche guilty of your first shed tears. I hope it won't make you cry. But if it does, embrace the tears.
"I have given a name to my pain and call it 'dog': it is just as faithful, just as obtrusive and shameless, just as entertaining, just as clever as any other dog—and I can scold it and vent my bad moods on it, as others do with their dogs, servants, and wives."
If Nietzche's quote doesn't do much to you, I'll leave you with a favorite song of mine.
Fray - How to save a life (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF0zefuJ4Ys)
I know, it brings back memories from how you saved Margaret's life by breaking into her home, right? So, I'm beaming with the hope that it will cheer you up a little bit.
P.P.P.P.S. OMG, I can't believe we're both fans of Sartre! Quoting him on Margaret was brilliant. You can make people want to live like no other!
I'll stop here, cause I'm running out of Ps.
(Note to self: Am I revealing too much regarding my passion for philosophy? Could this be another, even subtler, sign for the Formerly Happy Burglar to have his round over my shelf of books? Think this through before you post, and don't forget to delete it!)